How I Manage Grief During the Holidays

December 1st is always bittersweet for me. It is the start of one of the most wonderful months of the year. But at the same time it is a reminder of what has been lost.

My mother would be 66 on 12/1 if she were still alive. (Although she would likely not admit it.)

We would likely be trimming my mom’s Christmas tree to celebrate while welcoming a month of family, fun and traditions.

TRADITIONS

Growing up we spent many of her birthdays buying or decorating our Christmas tree. And what a production that was. Most things were when it had to do with birthdays holidays.

It was also part of the tradition that my father or one of the three of her darling daughters would put her in a tizzy for at least a short while. But all was forgotten by the time the tinsel was heavy handedly strewn about the tree by dear ole mom. We would laugh and laugh about how absolutely ridiculous she was.

Did I mention that picking out the tree was quite an ordeal on it’s own. When we were very young, we went to a tree farm to get our tree. I honestly have no idea how that whole experience worked from an adult perspective with the linguistics. What I do vaguely remember is getting very bundled up to brave the weather and walking around the “farm” for what seemed like hours to find the perfect tree. Then once it was cut down we all “carried” the tree to the spot where they tied it up to the station wagon. (Yep,..just like all the ‘retro’ pics you see these days.)

There MAY have been lots of whining too. I mean, for a 6 year old, there is only so many trees your can look at in the cold. I have never taken my kids to experience this type of tree hunting but would like to one year.

As we started getting older we would go to a tree lot near the house. I would like to say that it took less time to find the perfect tree but I can’t. Once you cut out the walking time, it was virtually the same. It was like she was the tree whisperer and had to talk to and see ALL the scotch pine before picking THE ONE!

But she did have a gift, because they were always the most beautiful, and full trees. When I buy them, they just don’t quite live up!

After we graduated from high school, were not around as much and she was diagnosed with COPD that progressively got worse and found her in more limiting circumstances, she broke down and bought a fake tree. I could not believe she had done it. But when she did, you better believe there was a lot of time spent securing the perfect forever tree.

Due to the excessive amount of decorations we had accumulated over the years and all of the other tree goodies there had to be a lot of space on the tree to use as the canvas for this Christmas masterpiece.

She saved and used all the ornaments year after year; The school made ones, the ones ones we were given, the little paper ladies we colored and cut out. ALL of It!

Some of my fondest Christmas memories come from all those traditions and times spent together kicking off a special month. From the tree farm to the tree lot and adding all the special touches.

Why maintain the traditions?

So now as the month begins, we try to decorate on or as close to my moms birthday. I have been reflecting on why it is so important to me. And here is what I have come up with.

First of all, as it is the first of the month, what better time is there to invite the spirit of Christmas in officially.

Second, decorating around her birthday also gives me the opportunity to celebrate and honor my mom in her absence. It provides the chance to reflect on the effect she had on our family and my life.

Third, it helps me feel close to her when her she is so far from me. When I so desperately want to have her with me and more than ‘in spirit’. I am able to hold on to a piece of her through this. I can feel her presence and see her in every bit of the trim on my tree.

Ultimately, it helps me deal with my grief in a positive way. I can keep perspective and not get caught up in the depression and anger that can take over when the holidays or the anniversaries of your lost loved ones life and death come around.

Yep, decorating the tree on my mom’s birthday is indeed one of the most special days of the year. It is a reminder of what once was, gives me a pathway to my mother and offers the beginning of something truly special.