It’s A New Dawn

Wowza! What a difference a year makes!

This past year has been challenging for everyone and rightfully so. So much has happened from the pandemic onward. It has taken its toll on us all in one way or another.

I lost my voice and my motivation. With my passion for musical theater and travel being put on pause, and my lack of going anywhere or doing anything, I was in this place where I just couldn’t bring myself to sit and write. Feeling anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed and, at times, just plain angry, I lost my desire to put the fingers to the keyboard. I am certain many of you can empathize in your own ways.

This post will be brief, just a little something to get me back into the swing of things.

So how many of you took the time to do some self reflection? I know I did. I am going to be a little vulnerable here and list some truths or self realizations that I came to.  Alright, here goes nothing….

1. Setting aside special time with my family is essential for the soul! It is so easy to get caught up with the day to day going-on and electronics to take those around you and the time that you have with them for granted.  I am definitely guilty of sitting on my phone, playing games or doomscrolling, while watching TV with my kids and hubs around. I was starting to feel guilty about not giving them the proper love and attention they need and deserve.  To be quite honest, I know I still need to do better. We had already had a special family movie night every week, but watching movies isn’t really the best way to “connect” with someone. So we added games to our special family night and it has been amazing. We laugh and learn and truly engage with each other! It has gotten to the point that I often prefer not to be invited somewhere on Saturdays because I don’t want to miss out on our special time.
2. People can ALWAYS surprise you. Not that this is new but it is still…well…surprising. Every Time! Even when I think I have someone figured out, they are not quite as predictable as I think they are.  Although some of the surprises can bring wonderful feelings of joy,  they are also many instances it has really hurt.
3. I need  a motivator in my life; a cheerleader, so to speak. Do I like to do things? Heck yeah! Will I do them if I don’t have somethone to get me moving? The chances are highly unlikely. I have made a friend lately who follows up, holds me accountable and executes. First, I would like to point out that making a friend in mid life is a serious feat that I am extremely grateful for.  Back to my original point though…thinking about my new friendship really had me thinking about all of my friendships in my life and there has ALWAYS been someone very close to me that that holds this role. I really need to be a better self-started. I am just not there yet.
4. Going through loss alone is brutal. I have had to grieve loved ones alone and that, for me, is very difficult. There is something cathartic about a collective mourning. Being able to share a look, a touch, the in- the-moment emotional reaction.  Conversely, the guilt over not being able to physically provide support for those grieving leaves such a feeling of guilt and helplessness.
5. My FOMO is legit well beyond a level 10! I absolutely hate missing out on things! This is not new information really, BUT, I didn’t realize how much this impacts me. Not being able to attend gatherings, events, dinners, etc has been stifling for me. The way that I react to it both outward and inward is really something I should discuss with a therapist.
6. I am stronger than I think! I have many childhood fears that I have carried into my adulthood. These fears have crippled me throughout my life and have led me to have a less than stellar image of myself.  One of a weak little girl. I know this is crazy. I am 40 for goodness sake but no matter what I do, I just can’t shake it. But there are fleeting moments that help keep my afloat. When I am truly tested, in small or big ways, by choice or by circumstance, I may not always make the best  decision, but, I find the strength to meet the moment. It often comes when I really need that reminder that I am strong, capable and amazing woman that can do anything I put my mind to. 

In the end, I was able to do a lot of self reflection which I used to do quite a bit but have gotten into the habit of stuffing everything away. Using my phone as a crutch to prevent myself from having to truly reflect and be vulnerable.

There was a very short period of time a few years back that I saw a professional to discuss the stress that I had in my life that was becoming so overwhelming it consumed me. I found it quite difficult sometimes because it is just uncomfortable talking about yourself. Sometimes I felt like everything I was stressed about was so silly or small. Other times, so huge and contemptuous. I cried all the time.  I am not good about expressing my feelings and ANY time I do, whether it be positive or negative, I cry. If I feel vulnerable I just cry. I will say that those few sessions also brought some peace and self realization.

I like to believe that I am pretty self aware but I didn’t realize all that I was bringing to the table that was causing the issues I was dealing with. There is something to being able to talk to someone that has no “dog in that fight”. The doctor did not have any personal relationship with anyone in my life so it was in some ways much easier to speak freely. And further more, she had no reason to advocate for or against me. 

Sadly, I was keeping the therapy a secret from almost everyone.  When I think back, I am ashamed that I was. We really need to do better as a society to normalize this type of treatment and therapy. Imagine how much we could grow as a society if we people felt comfortable and could afford receiving the the treatment that they need! But so many people go without due to the shame caused by the stigma that society has placed on it.

All that said, I think it is time to get vulnerable again and get my therapy back on! The benefits outweigh the costs and at forty years old, I would rather be living the rest of my best life with some of the anxiety and stress that I feel (even if self inflicted) being addressed in a positive and safe space. Having some peace and working through some exercises of growth so that I can show up for my kids, my family and my friends as my true and best self, warts and all, will be the key to my future success in life!

I had no idea where this post was going when I started writing. Feel free to share your own reflections.

Self reflection can lead to happiness and freedom that we deserve. As the title of this post states, thanks to the lyrics written by Nina Simone and sung by Michael Buble, that I pull strenth from….“It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life, and Im feeling good.”